1 00:00:13,013 --> 00:00:14,848 {\an8}- * My words are lazy ♪ 2 00:00:14,848 --> 00:00:16,433 {\an8}♪ My thoughts are hazy ♪ 3 00:00:16,433 --> 00:00:19,477 {\an8}♪ But this is one thing I'm sure of ♪ 4 00:00:19,477 --> 00:00:23,440 {\an8}♪ Everybody needs a best friend ♪ 5 00:00:23,440 --> 00:00:26,067 {\an8}♪ I'm happy I'm yours ♪ 6 00:00:32,907 --> 00:00:34,868 {\an8}Oh, baby. Here we go. 7 00:00:34,868 --> 00:00:36,578 {\an8}Let the festivities begin. 8 00:00:36,578 --> 00:00:38,204 {\an8}- How many have we got? - Well, let's see. 9 00:00:38,204 --> 00:00:41,207 {\an8}We got 20 cartons, 12 eggs in each. 10 00:00:41,207 --> 00:00:42,834 {\an8}That's got to be like, 20 dozen eggs, right? 11 00:00:42,834 --> 00:00:44,210 {\an8}Fucking fantastic. 12 00:00:44,210 --> 00:00:46,046 {\an8}Do you think we're getting too old for this? 13 00:00:46,046 --> 00:00:48,715 {\an8}Oh, come on, Johnny, we're doing a public service here. 14 00:00:48,715 --> 00:00:51,468 {\an8}If a kid leaves the house in a less than stellar Halloween 15 00:00:51,468 --> 00:00:53,511 {\an8}costume, he's got to get the bad news 16 00:00:53,511 --> 00:00:55,638 {\an8}before he makes a fool of himself all over town. 17 00:00:55,638 --> 00:00:56,890 {\an8}We're Samaritans. 18 00:00:56,890 --> 00:00:58,183 {\an8}You remember last year? 19 00:00:58,183 --> 00:00:59,309 Oh, check it out. There's one. 20 00:00:59,309 --> 00:01:01,269 Hey, nice costume, fuckface! 21 00:01:01,269 --> 00:01:03,188 Ah! What the hell? 22 00:01:03,188 --> 00:01:04,564 Hey, what the fuck are you supposed to be? 23 00:01:04,564 --> 00:01:06,691 - I'm the Hulk. - Yeah, no, you're not. 24 00:01:06,691 --> 00:01:07,859 Yes, I am! 25 00:01:07,859 --> 00:01:09,402 The Hulk doesn't have a fucking picture 26 00:01:09,402 --> 00:01:11,321 of the Hulk on his chest. 27 00:01:11,321 --> 00:01:13,406 Yeah, the Hulk's shirt doesn't say "The Hulk" on it. 28 00:01:13,406 --> 00:01:15,241 Yeah, if you got to tell us you're the Hulk, 29 00:01:15,241 --> 00:01:16,201 it's already a failed narrative. 30 00:01:16,201 --> 00:01:17,410 Fuck you. 31 00:01:17,410 --> 00:01:19,204 Ah! You assholes! 32 00:01:19,204 --> 00:01:20,789 Hulk angry. 33 00:01:20,789 --> 00:01:22,332 - Yeah, yeah. - Yeah, whatever, dude. 34 00:01:22,332 --> 00:01:23,750 Hulk smash! 35 00:01:23,750 --> 00:01:26,461 Yeah, go back to Walgreens and smash there. 36 00:01:26,461 --> 00:01:28,213 Hey, you ever notice how the Hulk only talks about himself 37 00:01:28,213 --> 00:01:29,255 in the third person? 38 00:01:29,255 --> 00:01:30,674 I know. He's like Bob Dole. 39 00:01:30,674 --> 00:01:31,800 Shit! 40 00:01:31,800 --> 00:01:32,926 All right, how much time we got? 41 00:01:32,926 --> 00:01:34,844 Uh, a couple hours. 42 00:01:34,844 --> 00:01:36,304 What do you want to do? 43 00:01:36,304 --> 00:01:38,473 - Scary movie? - Scary movie. 44 00:01:45,480 --> 00:01:47,107 {\an8}Wait, what the hell? 45 00:01:47,107 --> 00:01:48,942 {\an8}Where's "Texas Chainsaw Massacre"? 46 00:01:48,942 --> 00:01:50,068 Hey, hey, Blaire. 47 00:01:50,068 --> 00:01:51,486 Yeah. 48 00:01:51,486 --> 00:01:52,946 I thought you were going to rent scary movies. 49 00:01:52,946 --> 00:01:54,489 I did. 50 00:01:54,489 --> 00:01:57,075 {\an8}Walt Disney's "Watcher in the Woods," what the fuck? 51 00:01:57,075 --> 00:01:59,285 {\an8}Chainsaws are lazy and obvious. 52 00:01:59,285 --> 00:02:00,954 {\an8}This is cerebral. 53 00:02:00,954 --> 00:02:02,872 And it's a really scary movie. 54 00:02:02,872 --> 00:02:04,207 Walt Disney? 55 00:02:04,207 --> 00:02:06,459 Early '80s Disney, the dark period. 56 00:02:06,459 --> 00:02:08,461 Oh, what dark period? It's fucking Disney. 57 00:02:08,461 --> 00:02:09,879 {\an8}You'll be scared. 58 00:02:09,879 --> 00:02:11,673 {\an8}Oh, come on, I saw "Aladdin," and I was fine. 59 00:02:11,673 --> 00:02:15,343 {\an8}I wasn't sitting there like, oh, no, fucking Jafar. 60 00:02:15,343 --> 00:02:16,970 You know, we're not kids anymore, Blaire. 61 00:02:16,970 --> 00:02:18,138 Yeah. 62 00:02:18,138 --> 00:02:19,431 I haven't cried last four haircuts. 63 00:02:19,431 --> 00:02:21,141 - Yeah. - I'm using deodorant now. 64 00:02:21,141 --> 00:02:22,559 Yeah, deodorant. 65 00:02:22,559 --> 00:02:24,561 {\an8}Fine, I dare you to watch it. 66 00:02:24,561 --> 00:02:26,104 {\an8}See if it doesn't mess you up. 67 00:02:26,104 --> 00:02:28,148 - Fine, sure. - No problem. 68 00:02:50,086 --> 00:02:51,379 Oh, no. - No, no, no. 69 00:02:51,379 --> 00:02:52,714 No, no, no. - No, no, I don't like this. 70 00:02:52,714 --> 00:02:54,132 - This is not good. - No. 71 00:02:54,132 --> 00:02:55,675 Nope. 72 00:02:55,675 --> 00:02:57,344 both: Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope. 73 00:02:57,344 --> 00:02:58,887 Don't like this. 74 00:03:00,472 --> 00:03:01,556 - Come on. - Oh, stop. 75 00:03:01,556 --> 00:03:03,058 - Come on. - Stop it. 76 00:03:03,058 --> 00:03:04,225 - Come on. - Oh, stop it! 77 00:03:04,225 --> 00:03:05,268 - Come on. - Stop it! 78 00:03:06,478 --> 00:03:07,437 - Goddammit! - Come on! 79 00:03:07,437 --> 00:03:08,563 - What the fuck? - Come on! 80 00:03:08,563 --> 00:03:09,856 Fuck, you're a piece of shit, Blaire. 81 00:03:09,856 --> 00:03:10,940 Oh, my God. 82 00:03:10,940 --> 00:03:12,108 Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. 83 00:03:12,108 --> 00:03:13,360 - Get it off. - Turn it off. 84 00:03:13,360 --> 00:03:14,652 Turn it the fuck off. - Oh, my God. 85 00:03:14,652 --> 00:03:15,779 {\an8}Oh. 86 00:03:15,779 --> 00:03:17,030 {\an8}I'm never looking in a mirror again. 87 00:03:17,030 --> 00:03:18,656 {\an8}Me neither, fucking God! 88 00:03:18,656 --> 00:03:20,033 {\an8}I'm never going to be able to shave. 89 00:03:20,033 --> 00:03:21,284 {\an8}Yeah. Thanks, Blaire. 90 00:03:21,284 --> 00:03:22,702 {\an8}Now he's going to have to grow a mustache. 91 00:03:22,702 --> 00:03:24,079 {\an8}Oh, that's going to limit my career choices. 92 00:03:24,079 --> 00:03:25,538 {\an8}Yeah, he's going to have to be a cop or a fireman. 93 00:03:25,538 --> 00:03:27,207 {\an8}- Oh, those are dangerous jobs. - Yeah. 94 00:03:27,207 --> 00:03:28,375 {\an8}What if he gets killed? 95 00:03:28,375 --> 00:03:29,668 {\an8}God, Blaire, you're such a fucker. 96 00:03:29,668 --> 00:03:31,670 {\an8}Well, next time, don't be so smug with all 97 00:03:31,670 --> 00:03:33,296 {\an8}your cocky deodorant talk. 98 00:03:38,093 --> 00:03:39,636 Hello? 99 00:03:39,636 --> 00:03:41,638 Man, mirrors in horror movies are like a huge red flag. 100 00:03:41,638 --> 00:03:42,681 Oh, hey, Sharon. What's up? 101 00:03:42,681 --> 00:03:44,307 Mirrors and small children 102 00:03:44,307 --> 00:03:45,725 pointing at things that you can't see. 103 00:03:45,725 --> 00:03:47,185 Oh, shit. Yeah, that's a bad one. 104 00:03:47,185 --> 00:03:48,395 God, are you sure? 105 00:03:48,395 --> 00:03:49,896 Oh, and when the Black guy says, 106 00:03:49,896 --> 00:03:51,940 oh, I'll go check out what the noise is in the basement. 107 00:03:51,940 --> 00:03:53,233 That's always trouble. 108 00:03:53,233 --> 00:03:54,359 Well, thank you for telling me. 109 00:03:54,359 --> 00:03:55,402 Yeah, why does the Black guy always die? 110 00:03:55,402 --> 00:03:56,861 No, it's fine. I'll figure it out. 111 00:03:56,861 --> 00:03:58,029 Yeah, isn't that kind of racist? 112 00:03:58,029 --> 00:03:59,572 Seems like it. 113 00:03:59,572 --> 00:04:00,990 They should have only white people in those movies. 114 00:04:00,990 --> 00:04:03,034 Oh, yeah, so then the Black guys won't get killed. 115 00:04:03,034 --> 00:04:04,202 Yeah, I'll talk to you later. 116 00:04:04,202 --> 00:04:05,620 Blaire, we just came up with a great way 117 00:04:05,620 --> 00:04:07,247 to make movies less racist. 118 00:04:07,247 --> 00:04:09,082 Sharon is conscientiously objecting 119 00:04:09,082 --> 00:04:12,627 to this costume party tonight, so I need a designated driver. 120 00:04:12,627 --> 00:04:14,713 Can you do it? - Me? 121 00:04:14,713 --> 00:04:15,797 No, not tonight. 122 00:04:15,797 --> 00:04:17,465 Yeah, me and Ted got massive plans. 123 00:04:17,465 --> 00:04:18,717 Well, I can't drive myself. 124 00:04:18,717 --> 00:04:19,968 I'll be full of Jell-O shots. 125 00:04:19,968 --> 00:04:22,053 So you have a few drinks, big deal. 126 00:04:22,053 --> 00:04:24,431 You know what nobody ever talks about with drunk driving? 127 00:04:24,431 --> 00:04:25,557 How fun it is. 128 00:04:25,557 --> 00:04:26,808 John doesn't have his license yet. 129 00:04:26,808 --> 00:04:28,309 And you-- - It's like a video game. 130 00:04:28,309 --> 00:04:30,395 - You owe me. - For what? 131 00:04:30,395 --> 00:04:31,604 I took the heat went Aunt Suze found 132 00:04:31,604 --> 00:04:32,689 the porno you guys rented. 133 00:04:32,689 --> 00:04:34,566 What do I care? She's not my mom. 134 00:04:34,566 --> 00:04:37,277 My mom's an 11-year-old kid in China with arthritis. 135 00:04:37,277 --> 00:04:38,611 How do you know that? 136 00:04:38,611 --> 00:04:40,321 Because she sewed a note in my leg that says 137 00:04:40,321 --> 00:04:41,656 she's never had a vegetable. 138 00:04:41,656 --> 00:04:43,575 Come on, Ted. Please, you got to drive me. 139 00:04:43,575 --> 00:04:44,743 It's not a good night, Blaire. 140 00:04:44,743 --> 00:04:46,411 We got plans. - Yeah. 141 00:04:46,411 --> 00:04:48,413 Now, I'm going to go shower and fluff myself, 142 00:04:48,413 --> 00:04:50,165 so I can be in a confident head space 143 00:04:50,165 --> 00:04:51,458 to shame trick-or-treaters. 144 00:04:51,458 --> 00:04:54,627 The cuter I look, the worse they feel. 145 00:04:57,630 --> 00:05:04,262 ♪ Macarena ♪ 146 00:05:04,262 --> 00:05:06,806 ♪ Hey, Macarena ♪ 147 00:05:06,806 --> 00:05:09,225 Ah, where's the goddamn conditioner? 148 00:05:09,225 --> 00:05:10,393 Help me. 149 00:05:10,393 --> 00:05:11,603 Ah! 150 00:05:11,603 --> 00:05:12,937 Be my designated driver. 151 00:05:12,937 --> 00:05:14,814 Jesus Christ, Blaire, what the fuck! 152 00:05:14,814 --> 00:05:15,857 Well? 153 00:05:15,857 --> 00:05:16,941 What the fuck is wrong with you? 154 00:05:16,941 --> 00:05:18,651 I'm naked. - You're always naked. 155 00:05:18,651 --> 00:05:20,320 Yeah, but I'm bathroom naked. 156 00:05:20,320 --> 00:05:21,780 I'm washing my bear parts. 157 00:05:21,780 --> 00:05:23,615 Get lost. 158 00:05:29,996 --> 00:05:31,915 - Help me. - Ah, Jesus Christ! 159 00:05:31,915 --> 00:05:33,249 Drive me to the party. 160 00:05:33,249 --> 00:05:35,293 I said no. Stop fucking scaring me. 161 00:05:35,293 --> 00:05:36,586 God! 162 00:05:36,586 --> 00:05:38,088 You can end this very easily, you know. 163 00:05:38,088 --> 00:05:40,340 I will not be blackmailed. 164 00:05:43,176 --> 00:05:45,595 There's nothing like the scent of the hills of Kilkenny 165 00:05:45,595 --> 00:05:46,846 to make you feel fresh. 166 00:05:46,846 --> 00:05:49,516 And we put a bit of that into every bar 167 00:05:49,516 --> 00:05:51,017 of Irish Spring. 168 00:05:51,017 --> 00:05:53,520 This whole ad campaign is a bluff. 169 00:05:53,520 --> 00:05:54,813 What do you mean? 170 00:05:54,813 --> 00:05:56,272 It's like, you know who smells good? 171 00:05:56,272 --> 00:05:57,607 The Irish. 172 00:05:57,607 --> 00:06:00,652 Yeah, a guy named Seamus Boyle smells great. 173 00:06:00,652 --> 00:06:01,778 Is it warm in here? 174 00:06:01,778 --> 00:06:03,196 Yeah, it is kind of warm. 175 00:06:03,196 --> 00:06:05,073 Yeah, it feels like somebody turned up the heat. 176 00:06:05,073 --> 00:06:06,616 I'm going to check the thermostat. 177 00:06:06,616 --> 00:06:08,118 - No, wait. - What? 178 00:06:08,118 --> 00:06:09,327 It's her. 179 00:06:09,327 --> 00:06:10,745 It's fucking Blaire. 180 00:06:10,745 --> 00:06:12,288 You open that door, she's going to be right there 181 00:06:12,288 --> 00:06:13,581 with that fucking blindfold. 182 00:06:13,581 --> 00:06:15,458 Here, I'll open a window. 183 00:06:18,420 --> 00:06:19,379 Help me. 184 00:06:19,379 --> 00:06:20,547 Ah! 185 00:06:20,547 --> 00:06:22,674 All right, goddammit! 186 00:06:22,674 --> 00:06:25,719 Forbidden donut. 187 00:06:27,137 --> 00:06:29,597 Well, well, finishing something? 188 00:06:31,641 --> 00:06:34,102 Now, remember, the instant you finish it... 189 00:06:34,102 --> 00:06:36,396 Oh, my God! 190 00:06:36,396 --> 00:06:38,898 You two look so adorable. 191 00:06:38,898 --> 00:06:40,025 Thank you. 192 00:06:40,025 --> 00:06:42,485 All right, let me guess who you are. 193 00:06:42,485 --> 00:06:46,156 Blaire, you're Batman. 194 00:06:46,156 --> 00:06:47,949 Close, Catwoman. 195 00:06:47,949 --> 00:06:49,367 OK. 196 00:06:49,367 --> 00:06:52,579 And, Ted, you're Lawrence of Arabia. 197 00:06:52,579 --> 00:06:54,372 Yeah, that's exactly right. 198 00:06:54,372 --> 00:06:55,623 All right, now don't worry, Johnny. 199 00:06:55,623 --> 00:06:57,000 I'll be back by 9:00. Right, Blaire? 200 00:06:57,000 --> 00:06:58,877 {\an8}That was the deal. - Yeah, sure, whatever. 201 00:06:58,877 --> 00:07:00,545 We're going to miss the first round. 202 00:07:00,545 --> 00:07:01,963 Yeah, but that's just the little kids. 203 00:07:01,963 --> 00:07:04,591 We'll have plenty of time to shame the puberty crowd. 204 00:07:04,591 --> 00:07:05,759 Yeah, I guess. 205 00:07:05,759 --> 00:07:08,094 OK, well, we got to go. 206 00:07:08,094 --> 00:07:09,179 All right, you two. 207 00:07:09,179 --> 00:07:11,848 You have a fun time now. 208 00:07:11,848 --> 00:07:15,518 Oh, Johnny, don't look so sad. 209 00:07:15,518 --> 00:07:18,521 I have a fun surprise for you. 210 00:07:18,521 --> 00:07:20,023 What is it? 211 00:07:20,023 --> 00:07:25,070 I've hidden a Heath bar somewhere in this house. 212 00:07:25,070 --> 00:07:26,404 Can I get a hint? 213 00:07:26,404 --> 00:07:28,031 Oh, I can't do this to you. 214 00:07:28,031 --> 00:07:29,282 It's in the hamper. 215 00:07:29,282 --> 00:07:30,909 I'll go get it. 216 00:07:54,099 --> 00:07:55,934 Blaire! 217 00:07:55,934 --> 00:07:57,811 Oh, my God. - You look so good. 218 00:07:57,811 --> 00:07:58,937 You look so good. 219 00:07:58,937 --> 00:08:00,105 Oh, you guys look amazing. 220 00:08:00,105 --> 00:08:01,314 - You look amazing. - Stunning. 221 00:08:01,314 --> 00:08:02,482 This is Ted. 222 00:08:02,482 --> 00:08:03,692 Ted, you know Sarah. 223 00:08:03,692 --> 00:08:05,068 And this is Paige. - Hey. 224 00:08:05,068 --> 00:08:06,569 Hey, Ted. How's it going? 225 00:08:06,569 --> 00:08:07,696 Hey, how are you? 226 00:08:07,696 --> 00:08:09,072 What's your costume? 227 00:08:09,072 --> 00:08:10,156 Are you a caveman? 228 00:08:10,156 --> 00:08:12,492 You ever see "Return of the Jedi"? 229 00:08:12,492 --> 00:08:14,536 It was kind of a small independent film, 230 00:08:14,536 --> 00:08:15,995 mostly Israeli financed. 231 00:08:15,995 --> 00:08:17,956 Yeah, I don't date men, so I don't need to learn this. 232 00:08:17,956 --> 00:08:20,500 Well, come on, we need to get you guys wasted. 233 00:08:20,500 --> 00:08:24,295 Yes, yes for me, but Ted here is my designated driver. 234 00:08:24,295 --> 00:08:25,797 Yeah, I'm the guy that gets to listen 235 00:08:25,797 --> 00:08:27,340 to the Spin Doctors sober. 236 00:08:27,340 --> 00:08:29,551 That sucks. Come on. 237 00:08:31,344 --> 00:08:32,512 Hey. 238 00:08:32,512 --> 00:08:33,763 Want a drink? 239 00:08:33,763 --> 00:08:35,098 I can't, I'm driving. 240 00:08:35,098 --> 00:08:36,433 Oh, too bad. 241 00:08:36,433 --> 00:08:39,394 I always wanted to do a shot with a teddy bear. 242 00:08:39,394 --> 00:08:41,730 Fuck it, I'm not driving yet. 243 00:08:45,358 --> 00:08:48,069 I always wanted to smoke weed with a teddy bear. 244 00:08:48,069 --> 00:08:49,738 Sign me up. 245 00:08:53,366 --> 00:08:57,203 I always wanted to snort my ADHD meds with a teddy bear. 246 00:08:57,203 --> 00:09:00,206 If that's a cry for help, you got the wrong guy. 247 00:09:00,206 --> 00:09:01,207 Yeah! 248 00:09:03,251 --> 00:09:05,712 All righty, kids. 249 00:09:05,712 --> 00:09:08,506 You take care now, and happy Halloween. 250 00:09:08,506 --> 00:09:09,758 Say thank you, kids. 251 00:09:09,758 --> 00:09:10,884 Thank you. 252 00:09:10,884 --> 00:09:12,385 Oh, you're welcome. 253 00:09:12,385 --> 00:09:14,804 And be careful of the razor blades, all right? 254 00:09:14,804 --> 00:09:17,599 They're everywhere. 255 00:09:17,599 --> 00:09:18,641 Matty. 256 00:09:18,641 --> 00:09:19,642 Get the bacitracin. 257 00:09:19,642 --> 00:09:21,144 The bacitra-- why? 258 00:09:21,144 --> 00:09:22,437 An ostrich bit me. 259 00:09:22,437 --> 00:09:24,439 - A what? - A goddamn ostrich! 260 00:09:24,439 --> 00:09:27,442 I was installing a fence for a guy over in Boxford. 261 00:09:27,442 --> 00:09:29,611 And he keeps ostriches, doesn't want them getting 262 00:09:29,611 --> 00:09:31,237 past the property line. 263 00:09:31,237 --> 00:09:33,073 And one of them bit me on the fucking ass! 264 00:09:33,073 --> 00:09:36,368 Wow, I've never seen an ostrich in person before. 265 00:09:36,368 --> 00:09:38,620 Your job is so interesting. 266 00:09:38,620 --> 00:09:40,580 Susan, will you help me out here? 267 00:09:40,580 --> 00:09:42,165 I'll get the bacitracin. 268 00:09:42,165 --> 00:09:45,126 Yeah, and maybe we call a moratorium 269 00:09:45,126 --> 00:09:47,837 on you sticking Fig Newtons in my pocket wrapped 270 00:09:47,837 --> 00:09:49,881 in a little goddamn note! 271 00:10:08,650 --> 00:10:10,819 Hey, Mom, do we have any more chip-- 272 00:10:12,821 --> 00:10:15,281 Take a long look, Johnny. 273 00:10:15,281 --> 00:10:17,659 This is what life is. 274 00:10:23,498 --> 00:10:25,583 - Cheers, fucksticks. - Whoo! 275 00:10:27,335 --> 00:10:28,628 Ah. 276 00:10:28,628 --> 00:10:30,547 Hey, you guys want to see something terrifying? 277 00:10:30,547 --> 00:10:31,589 Watch this. 278 00:10:31,589 --> 00:10:33,341 Everybody wave your arms! 279 00:10:35,385 --> 00:10:37,095 Everybody jump in the air! 280 00:10:38,722 --> 00:10:40,348 Let's invade Poland! 281 00:10:42,642 --> 00:10:45,270 See that? That's the Milgram experiment. 282 00:10:45,270 --> 00:10:47,522 That's how it starts, with dancing. 283 00:10:47,522 --> 00:10:49,441 The dad from "Footloose" was right. 284 00:10:50,775 --> 00:10:52,068 Oh, shit! 285 00:10:52,068 --> 00:10:54,070 It's 8:30. 286 00:10:54,070 --> 00:10:55,488 Blaire, Blaire, it's 8:30. 287 00:10:55,488 --> 00:10:56,906 We got to go. 288 00:10:56,906 --> 00:11:00,118 God, I never noticed how beautiful your hair is. 289 00:11:00,118 --> 00:11:02,370 Does it just naturally dry like that? 290 00:11:02,370 --> 00:11:03,621 Shut the fuck up. 291 00:11:03,621 --> 00:11:05,331 Your hair's the beautiful hair. 292 00:11:05,331 --> 00:11:06,541 Wait a minute, are-- 293 00:11:06,541 --> 00:11:07,751 are you drunk? 294 00:11:07,751 --> 00:11:09,210 I'm just a little-- it's sort of. 295 00:11:09,210 --> 00:11:11,338 It's fine. - You're fucking drunk! 296 00:11:11,338 --> 00:11:12,339 Well, so are you. 297 00:11:12,339 --> 00:11:14,299 Yeah, well, that was the plan. 298 00:11:14,299 --> 00:11:16,217 Sorry. 299 00:11:18,178 --> 00:11:19,846 How the hell are we supposed to get home? 300 00:11:19,846 --> 00:11:21,431 You're completely fucked up. 301 00:11:21,431 --> 00:11:22,849 It's a straight shot. 302 00:11:22,849 --> 00:11:25,810 You take the Neponset Circle, to 93 South, to 90 West, 303 00:11:25,810 --> 00:11:27,937 to 495 North, and you just do that U-turn 304 00:11:27,937 --> 00:11:29,147 at the light in front of the police station, 305 00:11:29,147 --> 00:11:30,440 and you're home. 306 00:11:30,440 --> 00:11:31,941 Yeah, no, I'm not getting in a car with you. 307 00:11:31,941 --> 00:11:33,360 Look, what's done is done. 308 00:11:33,360 --> 00:11:35,195 But we both promised Johnny we'd get me back 309 00:11:35,195 --> 00:11:36,529 in time for egging, all right? 310 00:11:36,529 --> 00:11:37,822 I'm fine to drive. 311 00:11:37,822 --> 00:11:39,616 You're not driving my car drunk, OK? 312 00:11:39,616 --> 00:11:40,825 It's-- it's my car. 313 00:11:40,825 --> 00:11:41,910 I should be the drunk driver. 314 00:11:41,910 --> 00:11:43,203 All right, fair enough. 315 00:11:43,203 --> 00:11:45,246 I'll help by screaming out things I see. 316 00:11:53,380 --> 00:11:55,048 Hey, Blaire. 317 00:11:55,048 --> 00:11:57,300 Professor Damon, hi. 318 00:11:57,300 --> 00:11:58,927 - Who's this now? - How are you? 319 00:11:58,927 --> 00:12:00,845 Good, good. 320 00:12:00,845 --> 00:12:01,888 Feeling sharp. 321 00:12:01,888 --> 00:12:02,972 Feeling sharp? 322 00:12:02,972 --> 00:12:04,015 Shut the fuck up. 323 00:12:04,015 --> 00:12:05,850 I love the Batman costume. 324 00:12:05,850 --> 00:12:07,477 Oh, thanks. 325 00:12:07,477 --> 00:12:09,479 And who's Lawrence of Arabia here? 326 00:12:09,479 --> 00:12:11,189 Ted, talking teddy bear, hi. 327 00:12:11,189 --> 00:12:13,358 Oh, Ted. Yes, of course. 328 00:12:13,358 --> 00:12:15,068 I remember your story very well. 329 00:12:15,068 --> 00:12:16,152 Yeah. Well, it's nice meeting you. 330 00:12:16,152 --> 00:12:17,278 Come on. Let's go, Blaire. 331 00:12:17,278 --> 00:12:19,030 You in a rush? 332 00:12:19,030 --> 00:12:20,323 Why don't you come up to the house for a minute? 333 00:12:20,323 --> 00:12:21,700 There's something I'd like to talk to you about. 334 00:12:21,700 --> 00:12:23,118 I just went to the store. 335 00:12:23,118 --> 00:12:25,036 I could whip us up a little caprese salad. 336 00:12:25,036 --> 00:12:26,579 Yeah, yeah, sure. 337 00:12:26,579 --> 00:12:28,456 I love salad. 338 00:12:28,456 --> 00:12:29,749 Whoa, whoa. Wait a minute, hang on. 339 00:12:29,749 --> 00:12:31,334 Oh, you're invited too, Ted. 340 00:12:31,334 --> 00:12:32,377 See you in a few? 341 00:12:32,377 --> 00:12:33,545 Awesome, yeah. 342 00:12:33,545 --> 00:12:35,797 See you in a few. - OK. 343 00:12:36,756 --> 00:12:37,924 You buttnut! 344 00:12:37,924 --> 00:12:39,718 I promised Johnny I'd be home by 9:00. 345 00:12:39,718 --> 00:12:41,678 You clearly don't know who that is. 346 00:12:41,678 --> 00:12:44,431 Yeah, a guy in his 50s riding a moped, fucking winner. 347 00:12:44,431 --> 00:12:47,100 That is Lucas Damon, my English lit professor. 348 00:12:47,100 --> 00:12:49,352 The Lucas Damon who also happens to be 349 00:12:49,352 --> 00:12:51,604 a "New York Times" best-selling novelist. 350 00:12:51,604 --> 00:12:53,982 Yeah, was the novel about a guy who couldn't afford a car? 351 00:12:53,982 --> 00:12:55,108 Was the guy-- 352 00:12:55,108 --> 00:12:57,110 no, he's looking for a student research 353 00:12:57,110 --> 00:12:58,361 assistant for his next book. 354 00:12:58,361 --> 00:13:00,613 Literally everybody wants this job. 355 00:13:00,613 --> 00:13:02,115 "I love salad." 356 00:13:02,115 --> 00:13:04,117 See, I knew you were lying. Nobody loves salad. 357 00:13:04,117 --> 00:13:06,244 I do. I really love salad. 358 00:13:06,244 --> 00:13:08,705 Not one person on this planet loves salad. 359 00:13:08,705 --> 00:13:10,248 - I do. - You're on death row. 360 00:13:10,248 --> 00:13:12,417 Your last meal, you can have a steak or a salad. 361 00:13:12,417 --> 00:13:14,210 - I'm going to choose a salad. - Fuck you! 362 00:13:14,210 --> 00:13:15,295 You're getting a steak. 363 00:13:15,295 --> 00:13:17,130 After what you did to that family-- 364 00:13:17,130 --> 00:13:19,132 the baby's ear was on the ceiling! 365 00:13:19,132 --> 00:13:20,800 I've been doing this job 20 years. 366 00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:22,427 I never seen anything so horrible. 367 00:13:22,427 --> 00:13:24,304 - What? - Oh, Christ, I'm fucked up. 368 00:13:24,304 --> 00:13:26,306 Yeah, it's good you're driving. - Eh. 369 00:13:33,104 --> 00:13:35,482 My latest work is a piece of historical fiction 370 00:13:35,482 --> 00:13:39,235 that examines race and class in 19th century New England. 371 00:13:39,235 --> 00:13:41,738 Wow, that sounds incredible. 372 00:13:41,738 --> 00:13:43,239 Hey, great salad, by the way. 373 00:13:43,239 --> 00:13:45,367 I love that there are no croutons. 374 00:13:45,367 --> 00:13:49,162 It explores the balance between sociopolitical change 375 00:13:49,162 --> 00:13:51,164 and personal relationships as seen 376 00:13:51,164 --> 00:13:53,166 through the eyes of a labor organizer 377 00:13:53,166 --> 00:13:54,501 in Martha's Vineyard. 378 00:13:54,501 --> 00:13:57,128 There's a plot twist that will shock you. 379 00:13:57,128 --> 00:13:59,506 Hey, can I maybe have a different can of Schweppes 380 00:13:59,506 --> 00:14:01,257 that's not 85 degrees? 381 00:14:01,257 --> 00:14:05,095 You know, John Irving always starts a novel 382 00:14:05,095 --> 00:14:08,348 with the last sentence. 383 00:14:08,348 --> 00:14:11,017 I like to start with the second to last. 384 00:14:11,017 --> 00:14:12,519 Would you like to hear it? 385 00:14:12,519 --> 00:14:13,812 Absolutely. 386 00:14:15,563 --> 00:14:17,399 The horizon wept 387 00:14:17,399 --> 00:14:20,235 as Clara's undraped mortal frame 388 00:14:20,235 --> 00:14:22,696 joined the coiled multitudes, 389 00:14:22,696 --> 00:14:24,698 elation, revolution, 390 00:14:24,698 --> 00:14:27,075 a taste of bitter blood. 391 00:14:28,535 --> 00:14:29,869 It's brilliant. 392 00:14:29,869 --> 00:14:32,038 It evokes the best of James Joyce 393 00:14:32,038 --> 00:14:35,333 without feeling derivative or overly aureate. 394 00:14:35,333 --> 00:14:37,377 Hey, how'd you get inside my head? 395 00:14:38,878 --> 00:14:40,463 I'll freshen our drinks. 396 00:14:40,463 --> 00:14:43,967 Ted, I'm sure Blaire has warned you, I'm the fun professor. 397 00:14:43,967 --> 00:14:45,301 OK. 398 00:14:46,720 --> 00:14:48,054 Jesus fucking Christ. 399 00:14:48,054 --> 00:14:49,764 Are you shitting me? - What? 400 00:14:49,764 --> 00:14:50,807 What do you mean, what? 401 00:14:50,807 --> 00:14:52,225 We're sitting here wasting time 402 00:14:52,225 --> 00:14:53,601 because this fucking horndog just wants to bang you. 403 00:14:53,601 --> 00:14:55,103 Excuse me. 404 00:14:55,103 --> 00:14:56,187 Where the hell are you getting that? 405 00:14:56,187 --> 00:14:58,148 Oh, my God, Blaire, it's so obvious. 406 00:14:58,148 --> 00:15:00,066 He invites you to his place, he gets you drunk-- 407 00:15:00,066 --> 00:15:01,359 OK, I'm not drunk. 408 00:15:01,359 --> 00:15:02,444 What are you talking about? 409 00:15:02,444 --> 00:15:03,903 "I love that there are no croutons." 410 00:15:03,903 --> 00:15:05,321 Yeah, it's called being polite. 411 00:15:05,321 --> 00:15:06,448 - When did you become-- - You should fucking try it. 412 00:15:06,448 --> 00:15:07,657 anti crouton just for this buttnut? 413 00:15:07,657 --> 00:15:08,992 I'm trying to make fucking conversation. 414 00:15:08,992 --> 00:15:10,410 And by the way, I'm guessing this is 415 00:15:10,410 --> 00:15:12,537 the first time he's seen you dressed like this, 416 00:15:12,537 --> 00:15:14,330 as opposed to your usual fashion, 417 00:15:14,330 --> 00:15:16,374 which is basically Melissa Ethridge at a flea market. 418 00:15:16,374 --> 00:15:18,126 I know when I'm being hit on, OK? 419 00:15:18,126 --> 00:15:19,627 I have seven uncles. - You know what else? 420 00:15:19,627 --> 00:15:21,254 I'm just going to say it, that salad tastes 421 00:15:21,254 --> 00:15:22,922 like Dustin Hoffman's balls. 422 00:15:22,922 --> 00:15:24,382 Here we go, more wine. 423 00:15:24,382 --> 00:15:28,094 Or should we be naughty and start on the cognac? 424 00:15:28,094 --> 00:15:29,387 Yeah. Listen, we got to go. 425 00:15:29,387 --> 00:15:31,723 I got to take medicine for my diabetes. 426 00:15:31,723 --> 00:15:33,767 Oh, I'm so sorry. You have diabetes? 427 00:15:33,767 --> 00:15:34,934 Oh, yeah, real bad. 428 00:15:34,934 --> 00:15:37,604 Oh. Type 1 or 2? 429 00:15:37,604 --> 00:15:40,482 Well, it started with just one diabete. 430 00:15:40,482 --> 00:15:41,941 And then, you know, left unchecked-- 431 00:15:41,941 --> 00:15:44,235 I completely understand. 432 00:15:44,235 --> 00:15:47,447 Diabetes killed my mother and my older sister. 433 00:15:47,447 --> 00:15:48,865 Great, thanks for having us. Come on, Blaire. 434 00:15:48,865 --> 00:15:49,991 Let's get the fuck out of here, huh? 435 00:15:49,991 --> 00:15:51,117 Pleasure. 436 00:15:51,117 --> 00:15:52,494 As Borges said, 437 00:15:52,494 --> 00:15:54,746 "With every goodbye, you learn." 438 00:15:54,746 --> 00:15:56,289 As Steinbeck said, 439 00:15:56,289 --> 00:15:59,292 "Farewell has a sweet sound of reluctance. 440 00:15:59,292 --> 00:16:01,044 Goodbye is short and final." 441 00:16:01,044 --> 00:16:03,588 As Hemingway said, "I wonder what this gun tastes like." 442 00:16:03,588 --> 00:16:05,632 All right, come on. Let's go, huh? 443 00:16:10,095 --> 00:16:14,140 Oh, Johnny, you still look so sad. 444 00:16:14,140 --> 00:16:16,059 It's after 9:00. 445 00:16:16,059 --> 00:16:17,977 Ted promised to be back by now. 446 00:16:17,977 --> 00:16:20,021 Oh, I'm sorry, honey. 447 00:16:20,021 --> 00:16:21,731 Well, if you want, you can help me clean 448 00:16:21,731 --> 00:16:23,483 your father's ostrich bite. 449 00:16:23,483 --> 00:16:24,734 Seriously? 450 00:16:24,734 --> 00:16:26,945 That's-- that's your best offer, Dad's ass? 451 00:16:26,945 --> 00:16:28,446 Oh. 452 00:16:28,446 --> 00:16:30,865 Well, what if you invited a friend over? 453 00:16:30,865 --> 00:16:33,368 In case you haven't noticed, Ted's my only friend. 454 00:16:33,368 --> 00:16:36,246 That lovely new woman from church, Carol, 455 00:16:36,246 --> 00:16:37,789 said she has a son. 456 00:16:37,789 --> 00:16:39,624 I think he's about your age. 457 00:16:39,624 --> 00:16:41,042 I don't care. 458 00:16:41,042 --> 00:16:45,171 He's probably growing into his body just like you. 459 00:16:45,171 --> 00:16:46,798 Should I invite him over? 460 00:16:46,798 --> 00:16:48,466 What the fuck? No. 461 00:16:48,466 --> 00:16:50,552 I think I'll call Carol. 462 00:16:52,470 --> 00:16:53,763 Why? 463 00:16:53,763 --> 00:16:55,890 Susan, the gauze came off. 464 00:16:55,890 --> 00:16:57,058 It's leaking again. 465 00:16:57,058 --> 00:16:58,727 Susan. 466 00:16:58,727 --> 00:17:01,354 Johnny, meet me in the bathroom with a T-shirt you don't wear. 467 00:17:01,354 --> 00:17:03,523 Nothing with a decal! 468 00:17:10,196 --> 00:17:12,198 Oh, my God. Can you fucking watch the road? 469 00:17:12,198 --> 00:17:13,700 That was a red light. - I see it. 470 00:17:13,700 --> 00:17:16,411 I just-- I choose not to let it define me. 471 00:17:16,411 --> 00:17:17,871 Pull over. I'm going to drive. 472 00:17:17,871 --> 00:17:19,164 Fuck that. 473 00:17:19,164 --> 00:17:20,498 You're the one who was chugging wine 474 00:17:20,498 --> 00:17:23,168 with that professor of cliterature. 475 00:17:23,168 --> 00:17:24,961 You know, like-- like literature, but like-- 476 00:17:24,961 --> 00:17:26,087 - Yeah, no. - With like, a clitoris. 477 00:17:26,087 --> 00:17:27,213 - I know what you mean. - All right. 478 00:17:27,213 --> 00:17:28,965 Just checking, God. Jesus Christ. 479 00:17:28,965 --> 00:17:30,967 Yeah, and you're a fucking moron, by the way. 480 00:17:30,967 --> 00:17:32,010 You know that? - I'm a moron? 481 00:17:32,010 --> 00:17:33,178 Why am I a moron? 482 00:17:33,178 --> 00:17:34,262 That man is a brilliant writer. 483 00:17:34,262 --> 00:17:35,638 And what are you? 484 00:17:35,638 --> 00:17:37,140 A deadbeat teddy bear with a drug problem. 485 00:17:37,140 --> 00:17:39,059 Hey, at least I have a drug problem. 486 00:17:39,059 --> 00:17:40,393 Wait, what? Sorry. 487 00:17:40,393 --> 00:17:41,728 Fuck. I'm really fucked up, man. 488 00:17:41,728 --> 00:17:43,688 Great, well, you know, maybe then you can 489 00:17:43,688 --> 00:17:45,357 acknowledge the fact that you have no idea 490 00:17:45,357 --> 00:17:46,566 what you're talking about. 491 00:17:46,566 --> 00:17:47,734 Look, will you just shut up and drive? 492 00:17:47,734 --> 00:17:48,818 You're driving! 493 00:17:50,153 --> 00:17:51,946 Oh, fuck! 494 00:18:02,290 --> 00:18:04,626 OK, that was a red light. 495 00:18:11,007 --> 00:18:12,801 Hey, honey, I'm home. 496 00:18:13,843 --> 00:18:15,053 Ow! 497 00:18:15,053 --> 00:18:17,430 I told you to get the salted crackers. 498 00:18:17,430 --> 00:18:20,308 Johnny, come on downstairs! 499 00:18:21,142 --> 00:18:24,270 Oh! 500 00:18:26,815 --> 00:18:30,735 John, this is Will, the boy I was telling you about. 501 00:18:30,735 --> 00:18:32,445 Yo, yo, yo. 502 00:18:32,445 --> 00:18:36,449 Will's also looking for something to do on Halloween. 503 00:18:36,449 --> 00:18:38,660 - Oh. - John needs a friend tonight. 504 00:18:38,660 --> 00:18:42,205 He's upset because his teddy bear's not here. 505 00:18:42,205 --> 00:18:43,623 That's cool, man. 506 00:18:43,623 --> 00:18:46,084 Wow, this place is like a mansion. 507 00:18:46,084 --> 00:18:48,878 I'm going to go make you boys some spooky cookies. 508 00:18:48,878 --> 00:18:50,588 - Oh. - Boo. 509 00:18:50,588 --> 00:18:53,758 I'll take a lamb chop, though. 510 00:18:53,758 --> 00:18:55,343 If you got one, just get it going. 511 00:18:55,343 --> 00:18:56,511 I'll take it. 512 00:18:56,511 --> 00:18:59,305 It's-- so what do you wanna do? 513 00:18:59,305 --> 00:19:00,682 How old are you? 514 00:19:00,682 --> 00:19:01,933 38. 515 00:19:01,933 --> 00:19:03,393 I live with my mom by choice. 516 00:19:03,393 --> 00:19:05,729 - Uh-huh. - A little bit about myself. 517 00:19:05,729 --> 00:19:08,732 I work in quality control at General Mills. 518 00:19:08,732 --> 00:19:10,817 I inspect every batch of breakfast cereal. 519 00:19:10,817 --> 00:19:13,987 I'm the last line of defense between your mouth 520 00:19:13,987 --> 00:19:15,613 and rat feces. 521 00:19:15,613 --> 00:19:17,323 I-- I hope you're good at your job. 522 00:19:17,323 --> 00:19:19,743 I'm not. Stop eating cereal. 523 00:19:19,743 --> 00:19:22,037 What else is there? 524 00:19:22,037 --> 00:19:23,997 I own every Steely Dan album. 525 00:19:23,997 --> 00:19:25,582 I'm an expert dungeon master. 526 00:19:25,582 --> 00:19:27,625 I dabble in animal husbandry. 527 00:19:27,625 --> 00:19:30,086 I guess what I'm trying to say, Johnny, 528 00:19:30,086 --> 00:19:34,007 is you can have it all. 529 00:19:34,007 --> 00:19:36,009 You want a Zima? 530 00:19:36,009 --> 00:19:37,427 A Zi-- no, I'm good. 531 00:19:37,427 --> 00:19:38,887 You want to look at some porn? 532 00:19:38,887 --> 00:19:40,096 You got porn? 533 00:19:40,096 --> 00:19:41,514 Fuck yeah, I got porn. 534 00:19:41,514 --> 00:19:43,391 Here, check this out. 535 00:19:46,853 --> 00:19:47,896 These are drawings. 536 00:19:47,896 --> 00:19:49,439 Yeah. 537 00:19:50,857 --> 00:19:53,860 This is-- this is porn that you drew. 538 00:19:53,860 --> 00:19:56,529 Yeah, my mom won't let me look at the real stuff 539 00:19:56,529 --> 00:19:58,865 because of the cigarette ads, so... 540 00:19:59,657 --> 00:20:02,243 - Why-- why are they all-- - Oh, I can't do hands. 541 00:20:02,243 --> 00:20:03,912 - Oh. - So... 542 00:20:05,038 --> 00:20:06,373 You know what the weirdest part is, man? 543 00:20:06,373 --> 00:20:08,917 Now when a girl has hands, I hate it. 544 00:20:11,044 --> 00:20:13,380 Is that Winona Ryder fucking Lion-O? 545 00:20:13,380 --> 00:20:15,006 That is Winona Ryder fuck-- yeah. 546 00:20:15,006 --> 00:20:16,591 I gave her a ton of bush. 547 00:20:16,591 --> 00:20:18,593 I doubt she has that much bush in real life, 548 00:20:18,593 --> 00:20:20,845 but that's the beauty of art, right? 549 00:20:20,845 --> 00:20:22,555 It can be anything we imagine it to be. 550 00:20:22,555 --> 00:20:24,724 His dick is a sword. 551 00:20:24,724 --> 00:20:26,935 You'll never guess what his sword is. 552 00:20:28,269 --> 00:20:29,521 - Is it a dick? - A dick. 553 00:20:29,521 --> 00:20:31,898 - Yeah. - It's a dick. 554 00:20:31,898 --> 00:20:33,733 This one gets me so good. 555 00:20:33,733 --> 00:20:35,944 Do you ever look at one that gets you good? 556 00:20:35,944 --> 00:20:38,363 Not a drawing, but not-- 557 00:20:38,363 --> 00:20:39,739 not before this. 558 00:20:39,739 --> 00:20:40,990 Then you're not doing it right. 559 00:20:40,990 --> 00:20:43,284 - Oh. - Give them back. 560 00:20:44,577 --> 00:20:47,622 Oh, I can't fucking believe you just did that! 561 00:20:47,622 --> 00:20:49,708 I'm not even halfway done with payments on this car. 562 00:20:49,708 --> 00:20:51,668 Jesus, you paid for this car? 563 00:20:51,668 --> 00:20:53,670 Oh, shut up. It's a great car. 564 00:20:53,670 --> 00:20:55,755 Oh, my God, Blaire, there's a kid in the grill! 565 00:20:55,755 --> 00:20:57,465 - What? - I'm just kidding. 566 00:20:57,465 --> 00:20:58,550 Look at your face. 567 00:20:58,550 --> 00:21:00,010 Motherfucker! 568 00:21:00,010 --> 00:21:02,429 Yeah, but see, now real life ain't so bad, right? 569 00:21:02,429 --> 00:21:04,139 No, no, we gotta get this thing 570 00:21:04,139 --> 00:21:05,432 towed before the cops show up. 571 00:21:05,432 --> 00:21:07,600 Oh, because we've been drinking. 572 00:21:07,600 --> 00:21:09,686 Yes, Isaac Newton, because we've been fucking drinking. 573 00:21:09,686 --> 00:21:10,937 Well, wait a minute, why don't we 574 00:21:10,937 --> 00:21:12,397 just tell the cops that we started 575 00:21:12,397 --> 00:21:13,815 drinking after we crashed? 576 00:21:13,815 --> 00:21:15,275 Right, we were so pissed about the crash, 577 00:21:15,275 --> 00:21:16,860 that we had nine beers. 578 00:21:16,860 --> 00:21:18,611 You know, that's actually a great idea. 579 00:21:18,611 --> 00:21:19,779 - Really? - Yeah. 580 00:21:19,779 --> 00:21:21,448 I think you just solved drunk driving. 581 00:21:21,448 --> 00:21:23,533 - I did, didn't I? - No, you dipshit. 582 00:21:23,533 --> 00:21:25,326 We gotta go find a phone. 583 00:21:32,083 --> 00:21:33,460 Well, what'd they say? 584 00:21:33,460 --> 00:21:35,962 Uh, they said phone is for employees only. 585 00:21:35,962 --> 00:21:39,299 Also, get the fuck out of the kitchen, you drunk. 586 00:21:39,299 --> 00:21:40,467 - Shit. - Yeah. 587 00:21:40,467 --> 00:21:42,344 Here, I stole you an apple pie. 588 00:21:42,344 --> 00:21:44,763 - Oh, thanks. - Mm-hmm. 589 00:21:46,181 --> 00:21:47,432 Well, you know, I don't know why 590 00:21:47,432 --> 00:21:49,184 I always think you're not white trash 591 00:21:49,184 --> 00:21:50,268 like the rest of the family. 592 00:21:50,268 --> 00:21:51,478 Fuck you. 593 00:21:51,478 --> 00:21:52,562 Because you are. 594 00:21:52,562 --> 00:21:54,230 OK, just eat it. 595 00:21:54,230 --> 00:21:56,775 Careful, McDonald's apple pies are always a little hot. 596 00:21:57,776 --> 00:21:59,819 - Oh, Jesus Christ! - Ah, God! 597 00:21:59,819 --> 00:22:01,529 - Why the fuck do they do that? - Ah, God! 598 00:22:01,529 --> 00:22:02,864 I don't know. 599 00:22:06,951 --> 00:22:09,037 It's probably cooled off by now, though. 600 00:22:09,037 --> 00:22:10,246 Oh, goddammit! 601 00:22:10,246 --> 00:22:12,374 Oh! 602 00:22:15,168 --> 00:22:17,545 This fucking goddamn night. 603 00:22:28,223 --> 00:22:29,808 Maybe we can call a cab. 604 00:22:29,808 --> 00:22:32,727 I don't have any cash, and you don't have any pockets. 605 00:22:32,727 --> 00:22:35,563 We've got to find a payphone and call home. 606 00:22:38,149 --> 00:22:39,693 Hello? 607 00:22:39,693 --> 00:22:40,902 Will you accept a collect call from this-- 608 00:22:40,902 --> 00:22:42,821 No. 609 00:22:42,821 --> 00:22:45,031 Shit. 610 00:22:45,031 --> 00:22:46,241 Oh. 611 00:22:46,241 --> 00:22:49,536 All right, just let me think for a second. 612 00:22:49,536 --> 00:22:51,913 OK, look, we're not too far from campus. 613 00:22:51,913 --> 00:22:54,582 Why don't we just walk back and use Damon's phone? 614 00:22:54,582 --> 00:22:55,667 That pervert? 615 00:22:55,667 --> 00:22:57,168 - What? - Fuck no. 616 00:22:57,168 --> 00:22:58,420 Why not? I mean-- 617 00:22:58,420 --> 00:22:59,796 Because he's probably back there right now 618 00:22:59,796 --> 00:23:02,173 boiling the cushion you sat on to make soup stock. 619 00:23:02,173 --> 00:23:03,717 Well, you want to get home in time or not? 620 00:23:03,717 --> 00:23:05,385 Blaire, I know you don't see it, OK, 621 00:23:05,385 --> 00:23:06,553 but I don't trust that guy. 622 00:23:06,553 --> 00:23:08,388 - Oh, my God. - I don't trust him. 623 00:23:08,388 --> 00:23:10,932 I think he's got one thing on his mind, filthy doings. 624 00:23:10,932 --> 00:23:14,144 OK, look, I get your concern for me, or whatever, 625 00:23:14,144 --> 00:23:15,562 but I'm an adult, OK? 626 00:23:15,562 --> 00:23:16,938 I can take care of myself. 627 00:23:16,938 --> 00:23:18,898 Blaire, have you ever seen an old man penis? 628 00:23:18,898 --> 00:23:21,651 It's like a melted pint of coffee ice cream. 629 00:23:21,651 --> 00:23:23,570 There's a sadness to it, almost like it 630 00:23:23,570 --> 00:23:25,071 remembers how it used to look. 631 00:23:25,071 --> 00:23:27,365 I mean, it looks like-- like it's trying to hide, 632 00:23:27,365 --> 00:23:28,575 but it's too tired. 633 00:23:28,575 --> 00:23:29,868 No, no. You know what it looks like? 634 00:23:29,868 --> 00:23:31,453 It looks like Bert Lahr when he took 635 00:23:31,453 --> 00:23:34,164 off the Cowardly Lion suit but he still had the makeup on. 636 00:23:34,164 --> 00:23:36,332 It's-- oh, shit. 637 00:23:36,332 --> 00:23:38,668 What was the last one you heard? 638 00:23:40,295 --> 00:23:43,423 Let's put on our costumes that we made last night. 639 00:23:43,423 --> 00:23:45,800 OK. 640 00:23:53,725 --> 00:23:56,144 You like movies? 641 00:23:56,144 --> 00:23:57,604 Yeah. 642 00:23:57,604 --> 00:24:00,440 I got a VHS of rodeo deaths we could watch. 643 00:24:00,440 --> 00:24:01,566 Rodeo deaths? 644 00:24:01,566 --> 00:24:02,942 Yeah. 645 00:24:02,942 --> 00:24:04,611 You know, there's something about real death. 646 00:24:04,611 --> 00:24:08,615 Just like-- it just turns you on, you know? 647 00:24:08,615 --> 00:24:10,784 Why is that for all of us? 648 00:24:10,784 --> 00:24:13,078 I-- I honestly can't answer that question. 649 00:24:13,078 --> 00:24:16,456 I'm totally fucking with you. 650 00:24:16,456 --> 00:24:17,832 Oh. 651 00:24:17,832 --> 00:24:20,001 Seriously though, I do have the tape. 652 00:24:20,001 --> 00:24:22,921 We could take off our shirts, just watch it together. 653 00:24:24,047 --> 00:24:26,508 Yeah, yeah. Maybe next time. 654 00:24:26,508 --> 00:24:29,719 I'm fucking with you again. 655 00:24:29,719 --> 00:24:31,471 Oh, my God. You were about to do it. 656 00:24:31,471 --> 00:24:33,515 - No, no, I wasn't. - You were. 657 00:24:33,515 --> 00:24:34,891 Your shirt's like, halfway off already. 658 00:24:34,891 --> 00:24:36,476 - No, it's fucking not. - Nah, it could be though. 659 00:24:36,476 --> 00:24:38,436 We could have it off if we wanted to. 660 00:24:38,436 --> 00:24:40,021 You know what's great? - What? 661 00:24:40,021 --> 00:24:41,731 - Crack. - Ah. 662 00:24:41,731 --> 00:24:42,857 You know how, like, someone's like, 663 00:24:42,857 --> 00:24:43,983 oh, I like chocolate cake. 664 00:24:43,983 --> 00:24:45,819 It's so good, it's like crack. 665 00:24:46,903 --> 00:24:48,655 This is actually crack. 666 00:24:48,655 --> 00:24:50,240 Gets a lot of bad press. 667 00:24:50,240 --> 00:24:52,784 Gotta tell you, furthest thing from whack. 668 00:24:52,784 --> 00:24:55,161 Yeah, I'll pass on that. Thanks. 669 00:24:55,161 --> 00:24:56,454 Oh. 670 00:24:56,454 --> 00:24:58,456 Picking up a little bit of a judgy vibe there. 671 00:24:58,456 --> 00:24:59,457 Yeah, it's crack. 672 00:24:59,457 --> 00:25:00,667 Uh, OK. 673 00:25:00,667 --> 00:25:01,960 I bet you have some idiosyncrasies 674 00:25:01,960 --> 00:25:03,503 I might find a little odd. 675 00:25:03,503 --> 00:25:07,173 I don't think crack, like, counts as an idiosyncrasy. 676 00:25:07,173 --> 00:25:08,675 Can I use your phone? 677 00:25:08,675 --> 00:25:10,301 Yeah, yeah, there's one right over there. 678 00:25:10,301 --> 00:25:12,012 Yeah, so I just want to sleep in tomorrow, 679 00:25:12,012 --> 00:25:14,764 so I'm just going to call in a bomb scare to my office. 680 00:25:29,738 --> 00:25:31,239 Well, look who's back. 681 00:25:31,239 --> 00:25:32,615 Us again. 682 00:25:32,615 --> 00:25:34,743 Hey, is it Halloween or is it Christmas? 683 00:25:35,952 --> 00:25:38,079 - Come on in. - Thank you. 684 00:25:41,416 --> 00:25:42,792 Phone's still busy. 685 00:25:42,792 --> 00:25:44,210 What the fuck is going on over there? 686 00:25:44,210 --> 00:25:46,546 Johnny's probably freaking out wondering where I am. 687 00:25:46,546 --> 00:25:48,715 Professor Damon, we're so sorry 688 00:25:48,715 --> 00:25:50,050 to inconvenience you like this. 689 00:25:50,050 --> 00:25:52,761 Not at all. I'm happy for the company. 690 00:25:52,761 --> 00:25:54,596 Say, as long as I've got you here, 691 00:25:54,596 --> 00:25:55,889 there's something I'd like to show you. 692 00:25:55,889 --> 00:25:57,182 Oh, God. Here it comes. 693 00:25:57,182 --> 00:25:58,933 Just stare at the balls. It'll be better that way. 694 00:25:58,933 --> 00:26:03,730 It's the opening chapter of my next book. 695 00:26:03,730 --> 00:26:06,399 Just finished it yesterday. 696 00:26:06,399 --> 00:26:08,109 Would you like to read it? 697 00:26:08,109 --> 00:26:10,570 Oh, my God. I'd be honored. 698 00:26:10,570 --> 00:26:11,738 Fabulous. 699 00:26:11,738 --> 00:26:13,365 Don't let the typos throw you. 700 00:26:13,365 --> 00:26:15,241 He's a dyslexic narrator. 701 00:26:15,241 --> 00:26:17,077 Ted, why don't you and I play some 702 00:26:17,077 --> 00:26:20,955 billiards while I nervously await Blaire's verdict? 703 00:26:31,549 --> 00:26:33,051 Welcome to my billiard room. 704 00:26:33,051 --> 00:26:35,470 All right, buddy, you and me got to have a little talk. 705 00:26:35,470 --> 00:26:36,721 I'd love to. 706 00:26:36,721 --> 00:26:38,598 How about I freshen your drink first? 707 00:26:38,598 --> 00:26:40,767 Fine. 708 00:27:11,339 --> 00:27:13,133 Whoops. 709 00:27:15,510 --> 00:27:17,345 Hello, Ted. 710 00:27:20,390 --> 00:27:25,812 Uh, what-- what's going on there, buddy? 711 00:27:25,812 --> 00:27:29,232 I want to make love to you. 712 00:27:29,232 --> 00:27:31,067 Oh. 713 00:27:31,067 --> 00:27:35,488 I believe forthright honesty is the only approach when you 714 00:27:35,488 --> 00:27:37,907 have feelings for somebody. 715 00:27:42,787 --> 00:27:44,914 I've been waiting all my life for someone like you. 716 00:27:44,914 --> 00:27:50,003 Your furry curves, your boundless whimsy. 717 00:27:50,003 --> 00:27:52,839 It-- it has bounds. 718 00:27:52,839 --> 00:27:54,466 I've been going crazy since you 719 00:27:54,466 --> 00:27:56,718 walked out my door tonight. 720 00:27:56,718 --> 00:28:00,180 I want us to have illicit congress together. 721 00:28:00,180 --> 00:28:03,350 You know, Blaire is really into you. 722 00:28:03,350 --> 00:28:05,185 I don't care. 723 00:28:05,185 --> 00:28:06,519 It's you I want. 724 00:28:06,519 --> 00:28:07,979 Yeah, I-- 725 00:28:07,979 --> 00:28:09,606 I don't date other bears. 726 00:28:09,606 --> 00:28:11,107 I don't have to be a bear. 727 00:28:11,107 --> 00:28:12,692 I could be a pony if you prefer, 728 00:28:12,692 --> 00:28:16,196 or a bird with colorful plumage and a functioning cloaca. 729 00:28:16,196 --> 00:28:18,823 Yeah, boy, you know, it just wouldn't work out. 730 00:28:18,823 --> 00:28:20,492 I don't care what people would think. 731 00:28:20,492 --> 00:28:23,453 If I could take you on my arm to faculty events, 732 00:28:23,453 --> 00:28:25,038 I wouldn't be embarrassed. 733 00:28:25,038 --> 00:28:29,042 Yeah, that's not the holdup for me. 734 00:28:29,042 --> 00:28:31,044 I see. 735 00:28:31,044 --> 00:28:33,505 So your answer is no. 736 00:28:33,505 --> 00:28:36,424 Hey, Professor, do you mind if I use your bathr-- 737 00:28:37,759 --> 00:28:39,427 Blaire. 738 00:28:40,512 --> 00:28:43,932 Any thoughts about the pages you read? 739 00:28:46,142 --> 00:28:48,561 Great. 740 00:28:48,561 --> 00:28:50,772 Uh, they-- they were great. 741 00:28:50,772 --> 00:28:52,649 And the homage to Tennyson? 742 00:28:52,649 --> 00:28:54,776 Did that play it all? 743 00:28:54,776 --> 00:28:58,029 Uh, fine. 744 00:29:01,074 --> 00:29:03,493 We'll let ourselves out. 745 00:29:07,288 --> 00:29:09,082 Hey. 746 00:29:09,082 --> 00:29:12,627 You know, if we could just kind of keep this quiet. 747 00:29:12,627 --> 00:29:16,756 I have a reputation as a guy who doesn't do this. 748 00:29:16,756 --> 00:29:18,341 Sure, of course. 749 00:29:18,341 --> 00:29:21,011 On one condition, you make Blaire 750 00:29:21,011 --> 00:29:22,929 your research assistant. 751 00:29:22,929 --> 00:29:24,180 That's OK, Ted. 752 00:29:24,180 --> 00:29:25,432 No, no. No, no, Blaire, no. 753 00:29:25,432 --> 00:29:27,267 You're wicked smart. You work hard. 754 00:29:27,267 --> 00:29:28,977 You deserve it. - He's right, Blaire. 755 00:29:28,977 --> 00:29:30,437 You've got a great analytical mind. 756 00:29:30,437 --> 00:29:32,689 I'm going to have to sleep on that. 757 00:29:32,689 --> 00:29:35,775 Oh, and one more thing, we're going to need your bike. 758 00:29:46,578 --> 00:29:48,288 Oh. Hi, Johnny. 759 00:29:48,288 --> 00:29:51,124 You want to feel some spooky eyeballs? 760 00:29:54,669 --> 00:29:55,962 I'm just kidding. 761 00:29:55,962 --> 00:29:58,465 They're just peeled grapes. 762 00:29:58,465 --> 00:30:00,467 Oh, I'd never really hurt anyone, Johnny. 763 00:30:00,467 --> 00:30:02,594 Mom, I cannot take this guy anymore. 764 00:30:02,594 --> 00:30:03,845 What's the matter? 765 00:30:03,845 --> 00:30:06,139 Will, OK? He's-- he's a freak. 766 00:30:06,139 --> 00:30:07,974 He's crazy. Can't you get him to leave? 767 00:30:07,974 --> 00:30:10,143 Well, he's your friend, Johnny. 768 00:30:10,143 --> 00:30:12,479 If you want him to leave, you'll have to ask him. 769 00:30:12,479 --> 00:30:13,688 He's not my friend. 770 00:30:13,688 --> 00:30:16,191 You invited him over. Plus, he's like 40. 771 00:30:16,191 --> 00:30:19,027 Well, I'm 47, and we're friends. 772 00:30:19,027 --> 00:30:20,153 Yeah, you're my mom. 773 00:30:20,153 --> 00:30:22,322 Even when you were still in my guts 774 00:30:22,322 --> 00:30:25,950 you used to kick my cervix, but I knew it was you just saying, 775 00:30:25,950 --> 00:30:30,288 hi, I can't wait to come out and be friends. 776 00:30:31,456 --> 00:30:34,292 Yeah, yeah. Fine, I'll do it. 777 00:30:36,419 --> 00:30:39,673 Yeah, yeah. 778 00:30:39,673 --> 00:30:41,841 Oh, my God. 779 00:30:41,841 --> 00:30:44,010 Oh, no, no, no. 780 00:30:44,010 --> 00:30:45,679 All right. - Will? 781 00:30:45,679 --> 00:30:46,846 You in there? 782 00:30:46,846 --> 00:30:48,264 Yeah, come on in. 783 00:30:48,264 --> 00:30:50,975 Oh, I cannot believe we're taking 784 00:30:50,975 --> 00:30:52,477 a bath at the same time. 785 00:30:52,477 --> 00:30:54,854 You know, it's like we're taking a bath together. 786 00:30:54,854 --> 00:30:57,315 All right, I got to go. 787 00:30:57,315 --> 00:30:59,693 But I'll-- I'll talk to you later, Dad. 788 00:30:59,693 --> 00:31:00,860 I love you. 789 00:31:00,860 --> 00:31:02,696 I love-- ah. 790 00:31:02,696 --> 00:31:03,988 Didn't get him. 791 00:31:03,988 --> 00:31:05,615 What the fuck, dude? 792 00:31:05,615 --> 00:31:06,825 What the fuck what? 793 00:31:06,825 --> 00:31:08,535 Who just comes over to somebody's house 794 00:31:08,535 --> 00:31:09,661 and gets in their tub? 795 00:31:09,661 --> 00:31:11,538 Uh, I do. 796 00:31:11,538 --> 00:31:13,373 It's called making the most out of life. 797 00:31:13,373 --> 00:31:16,918 Some people wait for an invite to the party, I start it. 798 00:31:19,254 --> 00:31:22,257 I seize the moment, Johnny. 799 00:31:22,257 --> 00:31:25,593 You see, perfect example, you've been a drip all night. 800 00:31:25,593 --> 00:31:28,013 Guess what? I've had a killer evening. 801 00:31:28,013 --> 00:31:29,806 You've been all sad. Why? 802 00:31:29,806 --> 00:31:31,057 Because your teddy bear is gone? 803 00:31:31,057 --> 00:31:32,350 That's not how you do life. 804 00:31:32,350 --> 00:31:34,644 You got to grab every chance you can 805 00:31:34,644 --> 00:31:37,230 to make your own happiness. 806 00:31:37,230 --> 00:31:39,399 Why is the water black? 807 00:31:39,399 --> 00:31:42,902 Carpe diem, Johnny, carpe diem. 808 00:31:42,902 --> 00:31:47,615 When you see a chance to turn your day around, grab it! 809 00:31:48,908 --> 00:31:50,744 All right. 810 00:31:50,744 --> 00:31:52,537 Now, I'm going to take a hike. 811 00:31:52,537 --> 00:31:56,041 Hey, you ever need me, 812 00:31:56,041 --> 00:31:58,793 you scratch my name into your arm. 813 00:31:58,793 --> 00:32:00,670 And you'll show up? 814 00:32:00,670 --> 00:32:01,921 I don't know. 815 00:32:01,921 --> 00:32:03,590 Never tried it. 816 00:32:16,853 --> 00:32:18,146 Hi, Matty. 817 00:32:18,146 --> 00:32:19,606 What do you want? 818 00:32:19,606 --> 00:32:22,192 Hey, listen, I felt really bad about Clementine 819 00:32:22,192 --> 00:32:23,485 giving you that bite. 820 00:32:23,485 --> 00:32:26,112 And I wanted to make it up to you. 821 00:32:27,113 --> 00:32:28,156 Eggs? 822 00:32:28,156 --> 00:32:29,366 Ostrich eggs. 823 00:32:29,366 --> 00:32:31,326 Each one is about 24 chicken eggs. 824 00:32:31,326 --> 00:32:33,078 What the hell am I supposed to do with these? 825 00:32:33,078 --> 00:32:34,704 I don't know 24 people. 826 00:32:34,704 --> 00:32:39,084 Carpe diem, Johnny, carpe diem. 827 00:32:39,084 --> 00:32:44,005 When you see a chance to turn your day around, grab it. 828 00:32:44,005 --> 00:32:45,882 You know what's great? 829 00:32:45,882 --> 00:32:47,467 Crack. 830 00:32:47,467 --> 00:32:49,469 Hey, Dad. 831 00:32:58,603 --> 00:33:00,355 Hey, nice robot costume. 832 00:33:00,355 --> 00:33:03,274 Those the boxes your dad used to move out? 833 00:33:03,274 --> 00:33:05,068 Hey, who are you? The Dork Knight? 834 00:33:05,068 --> 00:33:06,820 I'm Batman! 835 00:33:06,820 --> 00:33:08,113 Ow! What the fuck? 836 00:33:08,113 --> 00:33:09,364 You asshole! 837 00:33:09,364 --> 00:33:11,157 Hey, hey, who are you supposed to be? 838 00:33:11,157 --> 00:33:13,827 Olympic figure skater Scott Hamilton. 839 00:33:13,827 --> 00:33:15,829 Oh, man, you're going to have enough trouble. 840 00:33:15,829 --> 00:33:17,455 Keep moving. 841 00:33:23,044 --> 00:33:24,337 Oh, hey, ET! 842 00:33:24,337 --> 00:33:26,381 Take this, you Reese's piece of shit. 843 00:33:32,887 --> 00:33:34,014 Oh, crap. 844 00:33:34,014 --> 00:33:36,099 What the fuck? 845 00:33:36,099 --> 00:33:37,517 Oh, my God. 846 00:33:37,517 --> 00:33:39,269 Is this what we've been doing to people? 847 00:33:39,269 --> 00:33:41,021 We were wrong, Johnny. 848 00:33:41,021 --> 00:33:42,647 We were wrong! 849 00:33:44,566 --> 00:33:46,860 Hey, listen, man, I'm really sorry I 850 00:33:46,860 --> 00:33:48,111 didn't get back in time. 851 00:33:48,111 --> 00:33:49,320 But you know what? 852 00:33:49,320 --> 00:33:50,613 I think it was for the best. 853 00:33:50,613 --> 00:33:51,865 Me too. 854 00:33:51,865 --> 00:33:53,366 I mean, it was kind of nice to see if I could 855 00:33:53,366 --> 00:33:54,993 actually have fun on my own. 856 00:33:54,993 --> 00:33:56,786 That sounds healthy, like growth. 857 00:33:56,786 --> 00:33:58,788 Yeah, it felt like growth. 858 00:33:58,788 --> 00:33:59,998 You grew. 859 00:33:59,998 --> 00:34:01,207 You grew tonight. 860 00:34:01,207 --> 00:34:02,709 I really did. 861 00:34:02,709 --> 00:34:03,793 So how was your night? 862 00:34:03,793 --> 00:34:05,670 I was almost raped by a professor. 863 00:34:05,670 --> 00:34:07,380 But now I got a moped, so it's fine. 864 00:34:07,380 --> 00:34:08,798 Well, now that we know for sure 865 00:34:08,798 --> 00:34:11,634 that we can exist on our own, let's never do it again. 866 00:34:11,634 --> 00:34:13,386 Oh, fuck no. I was dying out there. 867 00:34:13,386 --> 00:34:14,929 - Do you want to get high? - Absolutely. 868 00:34:14,929 --> 00:34:17,682 Wait. No, not yet. 869 00:34:17,682 --> 00:34:20,352 There's one more thing I got to do tonight. 870 00:34:40,163 --> 00:34:41,790 Help me. - Oh, my God! 871 00:34:41,790 --> 00:34:43,124 Jesus Christ! 872 00:34:43,124 --> 00:34:44,417 You scared the shit out of me. 873 00:34:44,417 --> 00:34:46,628 Got you, motherfucker. 874 00:34:46,628 --> 00:34:48,129 Oh, damn. 875 00:34:48,129 --> 00:34:50,799 You know, Blaire, there 876 00:34:50,799 --> 00:34:52,092 actually is something I-- 877 00:34:52,092 --> 00:34:54,219 I came here to tell you. 878 00:34:54,219 --> 00:34:55,929 OK. 879 00:34:55,929 --> 00:34:58,348 You know, me and Johnny always think you're like, 880 00:34:58,348 --> 00:35:01,976 this buzzkill, but tonight was kind of fun. 881 00:35:01,976 --> 00:35:04,229 You're kind of fucking fun. 882 00:35:04,229 --> 00:35:07,107 Well, I got to admit, I-- 883 00:35:07,107 --> 00:35:08,775 I kind of had fun too. 884 00:35:08,775 --> 00:35:11,277 I mean, the towing cost me $80, and I still 885 00:35:11,277 --> 00:35:13,822 don't have a fucking car, but for what it's worth, 886 00:35:13,822 --> 00:35:16,950 I really do appreciate you trying to look out for me, 887 00:35:16,950 --> 00:35:18,702 even if you were wrong. 888 00:35:18,702 --> 00:35:21,204 Oh, by the way, I got something for you. 889 00:35:23,623 --> 00:35:25,291 This is for you. 890 00:35:26,167 --> 00:35:27,711 A McDonald's apple pie? 891 00:35:27,711 --> 00:35:28,753 Yeah, yeah. 892 00:35:28,753 --> 00:35:30,964 I was saving it, but it's all yours. 893 00:35:30,964 --> 00:35:32,465 I've had it in the freezer for two months, 894 00:35:32,465 --> 00:35:35,635 so it's probably cooled off by now. 895 00:35:35,635 --> 00:35:36,803 - Oh, my God. - Oh, shit, oh, shit. 896 00:35:36,803 --> 00:35:37,971 Get a towel. Get something to cover it. 897 00:35:37,971 --> 00:35:39,305 - Get a wet towel. - I am. 898 00:35:39,305 --> 00:35:40,348 Oh, my God, We're gonna lose the fucking house! 899 00:35:40,348 --> 00:35:41,516 We're all going to die! 900 00:35:45,061 --> 00:35:46,312 Can I help you? 901 00:35:46,312 --> 00:35:48,023 Hey, I'm Carol's son. 902 00:35:48,023 --> 00:35:49,357 I just got home from a party. 903 00:35:49,357 --> 00:35:50,483 My mom told me to come here and hang out 904 00:35:50,483 --> 00:35:52,068 with somebody named John. 905 00:35:52,068 --> 00:35:53,862 Wait, you're Carol's son? 906 00:36:02,037 --> 00:36:06,082 ♪ Oh, you've got a headful of someone dreadful ♪ 907 00:36:06,082 --> 00:36:10,837 ♪ And yet alas, that someone adores you ♪ 908 00:36:10,837 --> 00:36:14,924 ♪ Everybody needs a best friend ♪ 909 00:36:14,924 --> 00:36:17,344 ♪ I'm happy I'm yours ♪ 910 00:36:17,344 --> 00:36:20,680 ♪ I'm just a clown ♪ 911 00:36:20,680 --> 00:36:23,933 ♪ And I'll bring you down ♪ 912 00:36:23,933 --> 00:36:29,981 ♪ But you just don't care 'cause your ♪ 913 00:36:29,981 --> 00:36:33,068 ♪ Best friend is me ♪